When Mom and Dad Grow Old

The prospect of talking to increasingly fragile parents about their future can be "one of the most difficult challenges adult children will ever face," says Clarissa Green, a Vancouver therapist. "People often tell me they don't want to raise sensitive issues with their parents about bringing in caregivers or moving," she says. "They'll say, 'I don't want to see dad cry.'" But Green usually responds, "What's wrong with that?" Adult children, she says, need to try to join their parents in grieving their decline, acknowledge their living arrangements may no longer work and, if necessary, help them say goodbye to their beloved home. "It's sad. And it's supposed to be. It's about death itself."

There are almost four million men and women over age 65 in Canada. Nearly two thirds of them manage to patch together enough support—from family, friends, private and government services—to live independently until virtually the day they die, according to Statistics Canada.

Of the Canadian seniors who live to 85 and over, almost one in three end up being moved—sometimes kicking—to group living for the last years of their lives. Even in the best-case scenarios(可能出现的情况), such dislocations can bring sorrow. "Often the family feels guilty, and the senior feels abandoned," says Charmaine Spencer, a professor in the gerontology department of Simon Fraser University. Harassed with their own careers and children, adult children may push their parents too fast to make a major transition.

Val MacDonald, executive director of the B.C. Seniors Services Society, cautions adult children against imposing their views on aging parents. "Many baby boomers can be quite patronizing(高人一等的)," she says. Like many who work with seniors, MacDonald suggests adult children devote many conversations over a long period of time to collaborating on their parents' future, raising feelings, questions and options—gently, but frankly. However, many middle-aged adults, according to the specialists, just muddle(应付) through with their aging parents.

When the parents of Nancy Woods of Mulmur Hills, Ont., were in their mid-80s, they made the decision to downsize from their large family home to an apartment in Toronto. As Woods's parents, George and Bernice, became more frail, she believed they knew she had their best interests at heart. They agreed to her suggestion to have Meals on Wheels start delivering lunches and dinners. However, years later, after a crisis, Woods discovered her parents had taken to throwing out the prepared meals. Her dad had appreciated them, but Bernice had come to believe they were poisoned. "My father was so loyal," says Woods, "he had hid that my mother was overwhelmed by paranoia(偏执狂)." To her horror, Woods discovered her dad and mom were "living on crackers and oatmeal porridge" and were weakening from the impoverished diet. Her dad was also falling apart with the stress of providing for Bernice—a common problem when one spouse tries to do everything for an ailing partner. "The spouse who's being cared for might be doing well at home," says Spencer, "but often the other spouse is burned out and ends up being hospitalized."

Fortunately, outside help is often available to people struggling through the often-distressing process of helping their parents explore an important shift. Sons and daughters can bring in brochures or books on seniors' issues, as well as introduce government health-care workers or staff at various agencies, to help raise issues and open up discussions, says Val MacDonald, whose nonprofit organization responds to thousands of calls a year from British Columbians desperate for information about how to weave through the dizzying array of seniors services and housing options. The long list of things to do, says MacDonald, includes assessing their ability to live independently; determining your comfort level with such things a

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